A first attempt

Well, now I'm going to make the usual first statement about how I've never used one of these before, and how strange it is. I will say that the special someone in my life, a recent surprise, was told I could never post something out there for all to see. However, since she can do it with out any compunction, without any shame or guilt, why not me. As you're going to be getting this site location, you can judge on whether or not I'm making good use of this. Here I am, a forty year old male, in college, trying to make a fundamental change to my future, and in more ways then one. So, why did I decide to fall for someone twelve years my junior, a full continent away, and just as challenged as me? I mean,REALLY! At forty, one would think that the decisions one makes would be a bit more practical. WE both have personal challenges to overcome; speaking for myself, these are personal, love-related, financial, and scholastic. Since I'm loath to address the problems that someone else, I'll just say that she has just as many, and profound, problems as me.

So, here I go again, with a long distance romance. All things considered, she is honest, forthright, intelligent, attractive(yeah, you are; shut up), and passionate. She is narrowly focused on her seven year old son, which I hardily approve of. She recently had a moral struggle about coming this whole distance to visit me, after only really knowing me a month. Fortunately, she has a rock solid rational side that reared up and proclaimed ''NO, YOU MUST NOT DO THIS!!'' I'm disappointed, and thankful. It's good that, at her age, she is fully aware of what's important. And, although my feelings run surprisingly deep, I have work to do to give myself prospects in the future. If anything, I don't want her father to worry about a man who is unable to contribute to his daughter and grandson's future. For me, I have a daughter myself that I need to be able to provide for in some way. If only to help her as she heads off to ensure a rosy future for HERself. Plus, I have a family that is, on the whole, successful and solid; I'm the only one that has not decided to make something of my mental capacity. I have too many people that I don't want to disappoint.

Lady, I want you, and I love you. It might have been forced, as you stated in a blog of your own, but don't worry about that. I've had that happen to me in the past, and I regretted it. In this case, you have far too much to offer, and you're offering it to ME, of all people! So, even if it's forced, and it was(I'm aware of the silences as much as you), don't worry. Surprisingly, it's how I feel. You know the reasons why we stay reticent; past problems, past pain. However, as we feel each other out, we'll continue to find that commonality that we seem to share now. You're my waypoint; the way I could perhaps find my way home. Thank you.

Right, well, this has been one long free associative ramble. Hopefully you won't be to disturbed about what I've written. Just to let you know; if you DO decide to get on that plane, I might break my own rule, and greet you in some public and gushy manner. Horrors, eh? I'll have more free thought at another date on that.

Anyways, the computer is on, and the program is running. I have a final on the eighth of June to look forward to. So, between trips to the dorm laundry room, there I"ll be. More thoughts to the ether later.