I'm too old for this

Ha, that's one hell of a title.

As I've explained to my love, the age of a person is not determined by the chronology of the passing years, but by the soul. I've met people that might only be ten or twenty years younger then me, but are possessed of an old soul. One that has withered, and is jaded and unfulfilled. Then I've met those people that have as much as four decades on me, but have a soul that is alive, vital, enthusiastic, and overflowing with compassion and love.

Up until recently, I've thought that my soul was becoming untended and desolate. A bleak place that would continue to exist, but little else. I was becoming accustomed to lonliness......no, let me qualify that. I was used to being alone. Able to function, with life revolving around family and work, and now around school.

Lately, that has changed, in some ways subtle, in others, profound. I don't wish to speak her name here, as she has chosen to not mention mine in her missives. She is beginning to impact my life; more every day. I find my long-neglected soul is finding new life. I am attending it with more care and attention lately. I even find myself thinking of a future where I am not alone. I really didn't think it would happen.

Sometimes, I find myself trying to reconcil the thoughts I have. I realize that the work will be hard. And the problems arduous. But to actually think of a future with another; to be a husband and father? There is much to do, but she is strong, and I am willing again. And I can be stronger then I was in the past. Not because of her, but because of my recognition of my own qualities. I'm okay. Curious.

I thought I was too old for this. I guess we are all subject to these lapses.

She knows

Just finished reading my belle's blog. And you are right, my dear. It's good to be able to form your thoughts before writing something about what's happening in your life. Although my thoughts form and are written sort of free and easy, I do take the opportunity to write these. I know I'm not rushed, or have you waiting for the next thing to come along. Except if you are waiting for the next missive to be put in here. Anyways,.....

I'm currently listening to the show I introduced you to. It's not a live show, and it's uncertain whether or not he's going to talk about Dave and Morley, Sam, Stephanie, Arther the dog, or Galbraith the cat. Or his highly colourful neighbours. I just myself woke up, and am drinking MY first cup of coffee. I AM going to make an effort of crack the books, and see if I can re-insert the knowledge I paid so much good money for back into my head. See if it makes sense. After the Vinyl Cafe, of course.

Nothing is forced, by the way, in my feelings about you, wonderful one. Yes, it was then, but it was my right and privelege to decide to respond, eh? Ball was in my court. And, after all, you seem to display the same enthusiasm about the things I like, and the things I don't. There seems to be a connection. Leaps of faith CAN pay off, right? You're downloading Light Jazz? Ain't that nifty.

At any rate, I likely will call on you in the usual fashion. But, bear in mind that I have something important to address today, tomorrow, and Tuesday. If I show signs of not doing my best on that, I realize you will be on me like a bad suit. Oh, by the way, I'm still chuckling over how you said that no man has ever been murdered while doing the dishes. If things go well, I'll make that my Cadbury's fruit and nuts bar moment. I know that you will understand that last comment. More vapourish thoughts as time passes.

A first attempt

Well, now I'm going to make the usual first statement about how I've never used one of these before, and how strange it is. I will say that the special someone in my life, a recent surprise, was told I could never post something out there for all to see. However, since she can do it with out any compunction, without any shame or guilt, why not me. As you're going to be getting this site location, you can judge on whether or not I'm making good use of this. Here I am, a forty year old male, in college, trying to make a fundamental change to my future, and in more ways then one. So, why did I decide to fall for someone twelve years my junior, a full continent away, and just as challenged as me? I mean,REALLY! At forty, one would think that the decisions one makes would be a bit more practical. WE both have personal challenges to overcome; speaking for myself, these are personal, love-related, financial, and scholastic. Since I'm loath to address the problems that someone else, I'll just say that she has just as many, and profound, problems as me.

So, here I go again, with a long distance romance. All things considered, she is honest, forthright, intelligent, attractive(yeah, you are; shut up), and passionate. She is narrowly focused on her seven year old son, which I hardily approve of. She recently had a moral struggle about coming this whole distance to visit me, after only really knowing me a month. Fortunately, she has a rock solid rational side that reared up and proclaimed ''NO, YOU MUST NOT DO THIS!!'' I'm disappointed, and thankful. It's good that, at her age, she is fully aware of what's important. And, although my feelings run surprisingly deep, I have work to do to give myself prospects in the future. If anything, I don't want her father to worry about a man who is unable to contribute to his daughter and grandson's future. For me, I have a daughter myself that I need to be able to provide for in some way. If only to help her as she heads off to ensure a rosy future for HERself. Plus, I have a family that is, on the whole, successful and solid; I'm the only one that has not decided to make something of my mental capacity. I have too many people that I don't want to disappoint.

Lady, I want you, and I love you. It might have been forced, as you stated in a blog of your own, but don't worry about that. I've had that happen to me in the past, and I regretted it. In this case, you have far too much to offer, and you're offering it to ME, of all people! So, even if it's forced, and it was(I'm aware of the silences as much as you), don't worry. Surprisingly, it's how I feel. You know the reasons why we stay reticent; past problems, past pain. However, as we feel each other out, we'll continue to find that commonality that we seem to share now. You're my waypoint; the way I could perhaps find my way home. Thank you.

Right, well, this has been one long free associative ramble. Hopefully you won't be to disturbed about what I've written. Just to let you know; if you DO decide to get on that plane, I might break my own rule, and greet you in some public and gushy manner. Horrors, eh? I'll have more free thought at another date on that.

Anyways, the computer is on, and the program is running. I have a final on the eighth of June to look forward to. So, between trips to the dorm laundry room, there I"ll be. More thoughts to the ether later.